Understanding the Language of Narcissistic Abuse. | elephant journal



Him. Years, some years after I do. 

Are you watching Law and Order again?
Haven’t I told you to not waste time on those episodes ? Go on and read your Bible! 

Why do you use so many ice cubes, it is a waste of money you know ?

Did you go to the library again? What sort of books did you check out? Let’s see. ..Hmmm waste of time. Again.

From now on, in this house we don’t cook more than a cup of rice daily. Do you understand? 

Did you not hear the phone? Answer it. 
Minutes later.  Why did you have to say what you said?  You are always wrong. You never know how to speak to people. 

You have not accomplished anything in your life. Raising children. That’s all you have to show off for yourself to the world. 

Is that a new wrinkke, white hair, a new age spot? Children, look at your mother’s flaws … she is getting so old.  Snickering laughter from him.

You are in your mid thirties but he needs you to believe him desperately. ..you are old, undesirable, not worthy of praise anymore.

The final blow,
in this house I am the bread winner, all the money is mine and I do with it as I please. I am taking away all credit cards from you. Stop taking your medications. I would never take you back to see a doctor. Never.

You know your health is declining. You need his support to stay afloat but he is cutting off the oxygen supply.

BD ( before divorce ) I  am a slave to you all. You and the kids.

PD ( Post divorce ),

My chidren are the love of my life. I live just for them. I work for them only. 

Children never heard the phrase BD
They never heard any of the million put downs and criticisms behind their backs

Your daughter is lazy
Your son is arrogant
They will never mount to anything in this life.

Your daughter is fat or slow or introverted or…
Your son is stupid, he is so full of it, he is not normal, and on and on and on …

These are the same children that post divorce are supposedly the love of his life? Ironic?  Hard to believe? That’s the facade the abuser hides behind it …

Oh, he knows how to torture you …where it hurts the most. But YOU and only YOU will hear these comments .

To the rest of the world, he is simply the BEST. The best father, the best husband, the best Co – worker, the best man at his parish, the best neighbor, the BEST yes, at hiding the truth and parade around, brim smile plastered on his face at the masquerade ball.
Because that is what his whole life has been, is and will be to the end, a perpetual masquerade ball.

The tears want to escape, salty and uncontrollably, but they have broken the dam so many times that you might welcome them or not. 

You think hard and remember. Remember the first time, the introduction, the sanctity of the ground you were standing up, the undivided attention, the coldest night you shared his coat and the warmth of his body, the solemn music, the vows, the kisses, the Majestic white dress,  your innocence, your naivete, your trust. You trusted him completely. You trusted him to always be there for you and you chose him as the vessel that could make the miracle Happen. Not once but several times over and you hold those precious gifts in your hands and you praise His name above for the tiny miracles, so tender and totally dependent on you.

You keep walking down the memory lane and along with those beautiful children you begin to wonder, why, why everything has changed,  why the criticism, the mockery, the name calling, the suffocating control.  You wonder what happened to the attentive, loving husband. Was it all a figment of your imagination?
It is too late for you. You are another victim of the unrepentant cycle of emotional abuse.
But it is never too late for the women in your life, the women at work, at the Parish, at home. Start educating your own daughters …and sons. Because a man needs to learn to be a gentleman, not a sorry excuse for a repeat of his father. 
Educate the young girls, the adolescents, the college gals, the young brides, the new mothers,  your dear personal friends and acquaintances.

Spread the word and raise awareness because mental,  psychological and emotional abuse DOES HAPPEN. Regardless of race, creed, social status and degrees hanging on the walls. It does Happen. And the victims do not comprehend  it until it’s too late and their voices have been silenced and their options are non existent. And those around them shush them up. Do not stir the pot. Hush hush .

No one can decide a woman’s future but herself. Yet, she needs a strong foundation to dream away, to soar high in the sky  and to cross off  her accomplished dreams from her My perfect life list.  Life itself is full of detours but a strong woman can navigate through those detours much more aptly if the right man is by her side.
All left to be done is read on this article and share it with the people that need it the most, the younger generations. 


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